In my work as a therapist, and simply as a person with relationships, I’ve come to understand there are some fundamental ideas which are key to understanding myself, and at times, others.
Attachment Theory, developed by John Bowlby, is one of those concepts. Attachment theory is a psychological explanation for the emotional bonds and relationships between people. It suggests that people are born with a need to forge bonds with caregivers, and these early bonds may continue to have an influence on attachments throughout life.
Through our experiences with caregivers, we develop a view of ourselves and of others in relationship. We see ourselves as either loveable and worthy of love, or only loveable if we are enough. Other are either seen as trustworthy and capable of love, or they can’t be trusted and are unable to meet one’s needs. From this four “Attachment Styles” are developed early in live: Secure, Anxious, Dismissive/Avoidant, or Disorganized/Fearful avoidant.
Another key concept I learned through my experiences was the importance of authenticity. Often if we feel we aren’t enough, we put on a face we think others will like better. This is sometimes called “The Imposter,” or written about as “The nice guy syndrome,” and many others such references. The fact is inauthenticity makes it much more difficult to have loving relationships. This is true for both the relationship with ourselves and with others. It’s challenging to get close to someone who won’t let you in and is constantly changing in the moment. In addition, the reason we would develop an external imposter is because we don’t like who we are and don’t want anyone to see the real us.
Dr. Gabor Mate, a renowned physician and author, has written extensively on the topic of attachment and authenticity. According to Dr. Mate, attachment is a fundamental human need essential for our survival and well-being. It is the drive to connect with others and feel seen and understood. Authenticity, on the other hand, is the ability to know and express our true feelings and needs, which is also essential for our survival and well-being.
Dr. Mate argues that many people face a dilemma between being authentic and being attached. Children, in particular, learn to suppress their authenticity in order to maintain their attachment to their parents, who may not be able to accept or handle their emotions. This leads to a loss of self-awareness and a vulnerability to various problems later in life, such as addiction, mental illness, or physical disease. This conflict between authenticity and attachment is a tragic and common source of human suffering.
“People have 2 needs: Attachment and authenticity. When authenticity threatens attachment, attachment trumps authenticity”
Gabor Mate
Attachment and authenticity are two fundamental human needs that are essential for our survival and well-being. While attachment is vital for our social connections and love, authenticity is essential for our self-awareness and identity. Dr. Mate’s work highlights the importance of balancing these two needs and the tragic consequences of suppressing our authenticity for the sake of attachment. Here are three key steps in reconciling attachment and authenticity:
- Develop self-awareness: The first step towards balancing attachment and authenticity is to develop self-awareness. This involves understanding our emotions, needs, and values, and learning to express them in a healthy way. By being aware of our own needs, we can communicate them more effectively to others and build stronger, more authentic relationships.
- Practice mindfulness: Mindfulness is the practice of being present in the moment and observing our thoughts and feelings without judgment. By practicing mindfulness, we can become more aware of our own emotions and needs, and learn to respond to them in a healthy way. This can help us to be more authentic in our relationships and build stronger connections with others.
- Set healthy boundaries: Setting healthy boundaries is essential for balancing attachment and authenticity. This involves learning to say no when we need to, and setting limits on what we are willing to tolerate in our relationships. By setting healthy boundaries, we can protect our own needs and values, while still maintaining our connections with others.
Lastly, for a loving and contented life, strive to live with integrity in your relationship with self, and in relationship with others.
