According to Gottman, every couple argues, but successful couples repair. In fact, the difference between happy couples and unhappy couples is not that happy couples don’t make mistakes. We all do. How couples repair is what separates the relationship Masters from the Disasters.
Gottman has determined that contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce and that appreciation and respect are the antidote to contempt. One way to build a culture of appreciation and respect is to work through the inevitable dissonance of human connection, which helps us form deep, lasting, trusting relationships, resilience in times of stress and trauma, and a solid sense of self in the world.
In fact, ups and downs of relationships are the secret to building intimacy, resilience, and trust. Edward Tronick, and associates, showed how working through the inevitable dissonance of human connection is the path to better relationships with romantic partners, family, friends, and colleagues. They discovered that relationships experience rupture and mis-attunement 70% of the time but that working through the volley of mismatch and repair in everyday life helps us form deep, lasting, trusting relationships, resilience in times of stress and trauma, and a solid sense of self in the world.
What is repair?
Repair is the process of de-escalating conflict and returning to a place of emotional connection. It is the ability to recognize when things are going wrong and to take action to make things right. Repair is key to relationship success. No matter how careful you are, you will inevitably rupture the bond in your relationship. Even in a good marriage, couples have ugly screaming matches, say mean things to each other, get critical and defensive, and engage in stonewalling. They do all the same things unhealthy couples do, but at some point they have a conversation where they recover from it. The difference between the Masters and the Disasters of relationships is the Masters repair their interactions effectively. These couples are willing to admit responsibility for their part in the conflict so they can begin the process of healing their bond. They realize their relationship is more important than the problem.
Why is repair important?
The goal of repair is to understand what went wrong and how to make your next conversation more constructive. Repairing is not an admission that your partner was “right” or that they have “won”. Rather, a repair attempt is an act of loving behavior not only to your partner but also to the relationship you share. It’s about putting your relationship first and ensuring that your relationship wins the fight. When couples are able to repair effectively, they are able to:
- Maintain emotional connection: Repair attempts help to maintain the emotional connection between partners. They help to keep the conversation from escalating into a full-blown argument.
- Minimize damage: Repair attempts help to minimize the damage done during a conflict. They help to prevent the conflict from spiraling out of control.
- Build trust: Repair attempts help to build trust between partners. They help to create a sense of safety and security in the relationship.
How to repair effectively?
Here are some tips on how to effectively repair in a relationship:
- Recognize the need for repair: The first step is to recognize when a repair is needed. This can be done by acknowledging the hurt feelings of your partner and taking responsibility for your part in the conflict.
- Make effective repair attempts: Dr. Gottman analyzed repair attempts in his Love Lab and found that how a repair attempt was made did not necessarily predict the effectiveness of the repair attempt. Some people would make repair attempts in a beautiful way, and their partner just couldn’t hear it. Other couples made repair attempts in really clumsy ways and were successful. Gottman defines a repair attempt as “any statement or action-silly or otherwise-that prevents negativity from escalating out of control.” Before a couple can come up with a mutually satisfactory resolution, they first must defuse the tension and negativity. In the Gottman Repair Checklist, there are several examples of repair attempts, including:
- Using humor (but not at the expense of your partner)
- Asking your partner what they need from you right now
- Validating your partner’s feelings (e.g. “It sounds like you’re feeling hurt”)
- Apologizing with sincerity (e.g. “I’m sorry I hurt you”)
- Touching your partner gently
- Asking your partner if you can both take a break
- Gently reminding your partner that you’re on the same team
- Empathizing with your partner (e.g. “I can see why you would feel that way”)
- Respond to repair attempts: When your partner makes a repair attempt, it’s important to respond in a way that acknowledges their effort. This can be done by thanking them for their attempt, validating their feelings, and accepting their apology. It’s also important to avoid being defensive or critical of their attempt. A good response to a repair attempt is one that helps to maintain the emotional connection.
What does a repair actually look like?
It’s important to understand a good repair is anything that works to bring you closer together. It doesn’t have to be complicated and could be as simple as a quirky grin after an obvious mis-step. However, according to Gottman, you could look at repair attempts, or apology, as having three parts:
- Express remorse: Start by saying “I’m sorry” to express remorse. It’s more effective when you elaborate on your remorseful feelings. For example, “I’m so sorry and sad to hear that my lack of communication has made you so angry and resentful.” Or, “I’m so sorry and embarrassed that my comment caused such an uproar.” Just share the remorseful feelings, please. It is not constructive to succumb to—and share—feelings of resentment or defensiveness, like, “I’m sorry…you’re being so petty and critical.”
- Admit responsibility: Admit responsibility for your actions or behavior. This can feel impossible if you don’t think you did much wrong, or if your intentions were good. Ask yourself: How is the other person feeling? What did I do that caused that feeling? Could I have done something differently? Then acknowledge these things. Empathize with the offended person; the most important thing is that you demonstrate that you are trying to understand how they feel.
- Make amends: Make amends by offering to do something to make up for the hurt you caused. This could be as simple as saying, “What can I do to make it right?” or “I’ll make sure to do better next time.” The key is to show that you are committed to repairing the relationship.
Here are some examples:
Example 1:
Repair attempt: “I’m sorry for snapping at you earlier. I was feeling stressed about work, but that’s no excuse for taking it out on you. I’ll try to be more mindful of my tone in the future.”
Response: “I understand that work can be stressful, but I appreciate that you’re taking responsibility. Let’s move past this and enjoy the rest of our day together.”
Example 2:
Repair attempt: “I’m sorry for not listening to you when you were telling me about your day. I realize now that I was being selfish and not giving you the attention you deserve. I promise to be more present in our conversations moving forward.”
Response: “Thank you for apologizing. I felt hurt when you weren’t listening to me earlier, but I appreciate that you’re taking responsibility. I may need some time before I can talk more about this together.”
Example 3:
Apology attempt: “I’m sorry for not being there for you when you needed me. I know I’ve been distant lately, and that’s not fair to you. I promise to be more supportive and attentive moving forward.”
Response: “Thank you for apologizing. I’ve been feeling really alone lately, so I appreciate that you’re willing to work on our relationship. I hope we can grow closer together.”
The emotional climate in the relationship matters
The emotional climate between partners plays a crucial role in the effectiveness of repair attempts. According to Gottman, your repair attempt is only going to work well if there is a positive sentiment in the relationship. Think of it as a positive balance in an emotional bank account. The effect of this is like viewing your relationship through rose-colored glasses.
You can do this by:
- Understand your partner: Their likes, dislikes, hopes, and dreams. Understanding your partner strengthens your emotional connection.
- Show fondness and admiration: Focusing on your partner’s positive qualities can help build a culture of appreciation and respect in your relationship.
- Turn towards each other: Turning towards each other means responding positively to your partner’s bids for attention, affection, and support. By turning towards each other, you can build a sense of emotional security and trust in your relationship.
- Let your partner influence you: Happy couples are willing to compromise and make sacrifices for each other. By letting your partner influence you, you can build a sense of teamwork and collaboration in your relationship.
Remember, repair is not about fixing what is broken, but about getting back on track. Successful couples repair their interactions effectively because they realize their relationship is more important than the problem.
